Time Quietly Asks Derailed Heart
■ Interview / placement ■ Interview time: 8:30 to 12:00, May 13, 2005 ■ Interview location: Room 5039, Shubo Garden Hotel, Tianjin So far, my husband does not know what happened to me, only myselfI knew in the heart that it was his marriage with us that changed me and made me understand the simplest truths. The first half of my life will keep him secret for the time being, but my biggest wish now is that he can always depend on him in the second half .… Ji Jiqing, female, 32 years old, born in Beijing.
Graduated from University of International Finance.
Married in June 2004 and settled in Tianjin.
Worked in securities companies, banks, and insurance companies.
He has been unemployed since he settled in Tianjin.
■ The secret reader of her first half of life may have read this “story” before the familiar Ji Qing. This is a woman who will marry this day.
She was sitting by the window of her maiden’s house, and her eyes kept looking at a closed window in the opposite building, where her secret was hidden.
I watched it like this for a long time, a long time.
When the sky was dark, she stood up and closed the curtains.
She stood in front of the mirror for a while, looking at the mirror to be the bride’s own tomorrow.
She smiled, laughed, and tears came out, couldn’t help it.
She opened the door of the old wardrobe and faced the top floor.
Open the white sheet, exposing a whole layer of pillow models the size of a small pencil box, one stacked next to the other, some made of ordinary small cloth, some made of embroidered handkerchiefs, and some used smallSmall scarves, some even delicate embroidery . That was her 10-year love journey.
In the past 10 years, she has grown from a young girl to a professional woman who can stand alone. Her economic conditions are getting better and better, and her souvenirs are becoming more and more refined and expensive. However, the style of such extraordinary souvenirs has not changed.-Always a small, double pillow model.
She had hoped to share the bed with her loved one for the rest of her life.
That person is in the window opposite, where she will always be a passenger.
She was born in this small building. From the moment she was born, she was destined to face this person and pass by.
He is 17 years older than her, and when she was a child of love, he was already a pair of butterflies and a swarm of bees.
But they were still in love, she couldn’t help telling the love deep in her heart, she knew that he had been watching her for a long time.
Since then, his wife has left with his children.
In the future, he will always be absent for some time. He goes to visit them. At the other end of the city, a few days later, he will return, still alone.
He is a writer, and his books often inadvertently run into her eyes as she goes shopping.
When this love is no longer the secret of each other, she can finally enter his life, very hidden.
She made it clear what role she played in this person’s life, but she couldn’t control herself not to miss him, to approach him from time to time, so she couldn’t accept any opposite sex, so it was best to hold a girlYouth time.
Every time when she leaves this person’s room and returns to her home, she will sew a small pillow model by herself.
Sew stitch by stitch and thread together your memories.
She thought, maybe one day, when he felt like he couldn’t let go, the love would have a result, and these small pillows would become a big pillow, and they lay side by side forever.
She also thought that maybe one day, these little pillows could only be her personal remembrance, they would never grow up, so how long they are connected, her love would be hundreds or thousands of times longer,Entwined, never ending.
She didn’t wait until that day.
She was waiting for this person’s parting.
He is leaving.
His wife, immigrating with children, will go with him.
That was the last time they were together, and she wanted to tell him that there were so many small pillows waiting in line to grow up that day, but in the end she didn’t say.
She just asked him: “Do you think about how I should live after you leave?
He wrapped her long hair around his fingers and gently said, “You have to live well, marry well, and be a mother, I will miss the time we spend together.
Tears flowed silently on a pillow that never belonged to her.
She said, “Do you think I still have this opportunity?”He said,” Yes.
You are still young.
“She sewed the last little pillow, the most beautiful one.
She folded a scarf that had been treasured with little rhinestones and golden silk threads, and set it with exquisite lace bought on a business trip.
That scarf was used by the dying mother when she was a bride. Those laces, when she bought them, thought about using it to tie the roses on the wedding day.
Since then, she has shelved these little pillows.
She demanded that she never watch them again until she found someone who could get married.
If you never find it, never look at it.
She covered them with a white list, as if covering her past.
After that, she began to accept a variety of men who were introduced and tried to develop a long-lasting relationship with them and to marry.
These people really can’t satisfy her completely. She always feels that she is far from the image in her heart.
Sometimes she really wanted to see those little pillows, but she never had this before — no need to look, 10 years, every day and night, in her heart, she can always see.
After a short-lived relationship, she asks herself: “Can you still love?
Will you love
Is there anyone more worthy of your love?
“These questions are so cruel, she can’t answer them, and she can’t answer them.
Finally one day, her father, who depended on her, became ill, and became more and more severe.
One day, the father called her to his bed and said there was something left by her mother and wanted to give it to her.
She spent all night reading the letters of her parents when they were in love.
The father was not his mother’s first love. When the father loved his mother passionately, the mother loved his teacher passionately.
The mother lingered in the secret relationship with the teacher for a long time, and the father waited for a long time.
The young and handsome teacher ushered in the day of the newborn son. The mother stood by the river, desperate to end her life.
In her letter to her father, the mother wrote about her feelings at that time. She felt that she had no love anymore and could no longer love. The men in this world began to disappear from this person.
In his reply to his mother, the father proposed to her. He said he would confirm that there is still one in the world, even if the only one is willing to awaken her another, another man of love.
The next day, she visited her father.
She asked, “Dad, do you think mom loves you?
Her father closed his eyes, very peaceful, and told her with satisfaction: “Love.
It’s different from her love for anyone.
“In the process of her father’s gradual recovery, she found herself, like a man who had been ill for a long time, getting healthier slowly.
Then, she met the person who was about to become her husband.
She knew that he was not the best man in the world, certainly not, but people and people cannot be quoted in this way!
She believes that she is in love with him, and that with the beginning of their common life, she will definitely love him more and more. Of course, this love will not be exactly the same as the past 10 years.
When the sky was completely replaced by night, she re-covered those little pillows.
She thought: if it feels the same to fall in love with everyone, what’s the meaning of life?
■ A kind of rationality that must be maintained in life The hero of this story is Ji Qing who marries from Beijing to Tianjin.
Ji Qing’s first interview was in 2004 in Beijing.
She was just married and hadn’t moved her home to Tianjin.
Before the interview was finished, we had no time to sort out our personalities completely. Ji Qing called and informed me: “Don’t post it first, don’t write it down first. I want to talk to my husband first. He doesn’t respond, you can post it again.
“Wait a minute, it’s a year later.
The above “Summarization of Ji Qing Story” has been written long ago, and there has been no opportunity to “take it out to meet people.”Until the beginning of this year, she had an appointment with Ji Qing, “when will I be the first interview on a business trip to Tianjin”, she dared to take this story online to friends to watch.
On the day of the interview, Ji Qing went directly to the hotel room to find me. She opened the door and scared me. She was 30 pounds full and she was a pregnant woman standing at the door and panting.
”It’s been more than 8 months and I’m struggling to walk.
“She’s a little embarrassed.
Ji Qing, who I am familiar with in Beijing, is an extraordinary person who pursues an exquisite life. She always puts on makeup, so-called without going out.
She always wears high heels, skirts of different colors and shoes of different colors . From this moment on, this pregnant woman can’t find last year’s shadow at all.Expectant mother, her life is very happy.
However, I also have another extraordinary feeling, that is, the small pillows that I have seen with my eyes, the little guys who have lined up in 10 years and hope to grow into a big pillow, but it is impossible.
Ji Qing once told me that I will be the last “outsider” who knows their stories. In the future, no one will know them except her.
I also remember clearly that Ji Qing had requested me on the phone before coming to Tianjin: “I only said that I was going to see a friend from Beijing. I didn’t say who it was.
If one day my husband sees your article and calls you, don’t say that this person is me.
You must promise.
“Our meeting, from the beginning, was doomed to these little pillows.
How could a person dig out her 10-year emotional memory from life?
Even if she wanted to do that, she couldn’t do it.
Moreover, Ji Qing told me that she never thought so.
For the past, she doesn’t want to abandon, she just wants to collect.
You can’t imagine it, a pregnant woman will come to see you, right?
When I called you, I told you all about my recent situation. The only thing I didn’t say was pregnancy.
I secretly watched the story you wrote about me, which is better than I thought.
I have read it many times, and I think that the protagonist of such a beautiful story cannot come to see you with a big belly.
My child is more than 8 months old and will be born soon.
I know it’s a girl.
I went to the hospital with my husband on my back and found an acquaintance to help me with my daughter.
I didn’t tell my husband, not because he liked to have a son, but because I didn’t want to say.
I think the relationship between daughter and mother is very delicate. I don’t seem to be having a child, but I am making a good friend for myself, and I will never abandon me forever, leave me, and betray my good friendIt’s the kind I want forever.
Ever since I knew that I had a daughter in my stomach, I have been desperately eager to meet you. I want my daughter to have the opportunity to know me before she is born. My past and my present, she will know more about me than her father.
Do you remember those little pillows?
You definitely remember.
I left it in my Beijing home, but I didn’t bring any to Tianjin.
My husband actually met.
After my father died, we sorted out the things at home. He saw it and asked me what it was and where it came from.
I said it was left by my mother. It was a souvenir when I was in love with my father.
My husband said, “Your parents are really romantic.
He did n’t let me throw away any of my parents ‘things. He helped me wrap up the little pillows and put them in a suitcase that nobody would want to use. He said that he would tell stories to the children in the future, and the children saw them.These things will also move.
Many people have said that husbands and wives must understand each other. If they understand each other, they can tolerate each other, and they can have more harmonious relationships. I agree with half.
I think this kind of understanding is more about understanding the temperament and character of each person, rather than grasping everything that happened to this person from birth.
We started to understand from the day we met, and we are responsible for the future. As for the acquaintance, he is him, I am me, there is no need to be honest.
Doesn’t it mean that men and women fall in love because they don’t understand, and part ways because of understanding?
I think that’s it.The fact that we can accept each other after we meet each other does not mean that we can all understand the person before the acquaintance. It may be the beginning of mutual blocking.
I like to say a word: the first half of life is kept secret from you, the second half of life is dependent on you.
I think this is a kind of reason that must be maintained in life.
I thought that time can heal everything, the past joys and sorrows will change the passage of time and fade away, and every day is welcoming a new life.
I thought that time is a good medicine for healing wounds, and it should be able to solve all problems, but when the pain passed, I realized that time was originally a chronic medicine for chronic diseases. When the superficial wound relieves slowly, the severe pain gradually passes.What remains is the faint pain and an unforgettable memory every time the weather approaches.
Pain can’t be completely cured. At this time, time is the only effective medicine.
It was another rainy summer day, Wei looked lonely out the window, and the rain shrouded the earth, just like her heart drifted away suddenly.
Recognizing it was an accidental occasion, but never thought it would become a pain in her life.
Cheng, a man in his forties, is tall and walks like a man.
After transferring to the army, he worked in a state organ and did a pretty good job. He was already a middle-level leader of a department.
But this man was born unwilling to be the status quo. With a keen and forward-looking eye, he aimed at the field of metal recycling. Starting from a young age, he has been doing what it is today, and has become a well-known metal recycling industry in this city.Leading boss.
Successful men naturally have their own personal charm. The great thing is that Cheng has never been arrogant, tepid, or tepid. He never shows off his success and wealth to others. He is still very peaceful in his life. This is profound.Impressed Wei deeply.
Originally, Wei only wanted to expand the tourism business through his classmates’ understanding of Cheng, but from the first time he saw him, Wei’s heart was burned.
Working in a hotel, Wei has seen a variety of men, including those who have the right to have money and not a few.
But she never thought of a “big money” for vanity like other women, because she has seen the so-called rich people’s pride and despair more than once, and she is extremely disdainful of such “starters”.
Cheng appeared in her life, and definitely formed a sharp contrast with them. This contrast made Wei have a hazy feeling for Cheng Chan after her first meeting.
Wei itself is a simple woman. Although she is more than 30 years old, her bones are still very simple.
Simple people are clear to their loved ones and their friends, and do not have any thoughts.
Right and wrong views are very strong, love should be loved, hate should be hated, quite “chivalry” style.
Her husband was a classmate at school, and it can be described as “no guessing”.
After more than ten years of marriage, her husband is caring, considerate, and caring for her, but after the passion recedes, she finds out that although her husband is a good person, he is not mature enough to deal with people, and most of them are aggressive.
He works in an ordinary unit, and he also benefits from it. He is willing to live an ordinary life.
And these troublesome days passed by day by day, Wei felt an inexplicable loss in her heart, she often asked herself, would life always maintain such a state?
Do you just spend your life mediocrely?
Achievement broke into the great vision at this time, and formed a stark contrast with her husband.
Forty-year-old men are still full of vitality and vitality. The enthusiasm for work and career has shocked Wei, and Wei’s heart has changed quietly.
In the next few unexpected meals and chats, the transformation into pairs to learn more depth, the advantages of integration become more prominent.
A rich social experience and a history of working hard with sweat, sitting there, lighting a cigarette, and speaking honestly, all over the body exudes the charm of a successful man, giving Wei a great spiritual impact.
Unconsciously, Wei has surrounded a state that is difficult to extricate.
At work, at home, and friends, you will inadvertently think of what Cheng is doing at this time, and will she have a little concern for her?
On several occasions, she couldn’t hold back her feelings and called him, and Cheng on the phone always spoke in a peaceful tone, and even whispered to her like a child, every time she was reluctantPut down the microphone and feel more interested.
When she was idle, she would analyze her mentality, and Cheng Cheng is just an ordinary friend, not the kind of affection; but it is clearly not, why her heart always feels heartache because of the reminder of Cheng.
She didn’t dare to tell her family and friends about this kind of thing, she could only bear it in silence, but it was an unanswered question.
Wei in life lost the laughter of the past, and she became more and more silent, her friends and colleagues around her grind her absent mind, she is losing weight every day.
This kind of emotionally tormented life has passed a long time, and who can tell this unspeakable mind?
During this time, she never contacted Cheng, and she was not sure of her position in Chengxin.
On an occasional occasion, I went to dinner with my friends. When she was going to the bathroom, she was walking through the long unmanned aisle, and a person was walking towards her.Saying hello and passing by, Wei believes this is the fate, and can’t hide from it.
When she couldn’t sleep in bed at night, she made a decision, “You have to be a bell person to solve the bell,” and you had to talk to him in person.
In order to meet this time, Wei even thought that he would wear a similar outfit, and his mood was complicated and excited.
On the phone, Cheng finally agreed to meet one afternoon. Maybe he noticed something?Wei quickly packed herself, wore a blue ladylike dress, and drove straight to the “tea room”.
Cheng’s car has arrived and he is waiting for her.
After seated in a quiet tea room, Cheng began to find some topics, talk about friends, talk about work, Wei listened silently.
Finally, Cheng stopped talking about anything, and Wei bravely and calmly stared at Cheng, asking directly: “You have been talking about other people’s affairs, can’t you talk about yourself?
I don’t want to pretend anymore, it’s too tired, can we just talk about the relationship between you and me?
As soon as this sentence came out, Wei saw Cheng’s complexion suddenly become serious. After a pause, Cheng took a deep breath and told Wei: “Since you will come out so frankly, I will be very frank.Tell me what I think.
Speaking these words as a woman is not easy, and I want to thank you first.
In fact, I have always felt about you, so I have been running away. When you called me several times, I knew your mind.
If I do n’t have any time, it ‘s just an excuse, but it really makes me accept your feelings desperately, and I ca n’t do it at all.
Because the most fundamental thing is that you and I have families, causing too much harm to the family.
Some people say that as long as you do n’t say it, it will not cause harm. But if there is an impermeable wall in the world, as long as it is done, it will be known by others.
And the main thing is the family of both of us, we all have a nice home.
When my wife married me, I had nothing. When she was pregnant, she could only borrow in a small room where other people piled up sundries. There was nothing in the house. In those years, I was a soldier and I could n’t take care of her, so II owe her a lot.
I once vowed that after I changed my career, I must make good compensation for her contribution for me, let her live in the best house, and let her live a comfortable life.
All these are the motivation for my struggle. After I changed my career, I have done nothing, set up a stall, sold fish, sold moon cakes . As long as I can make my life better, I am not afraid of any hardships and tiredness. Until today, I am considered to have a career.All of this is hard to come by, so I can’t ignore the feelings of my wife and cause harm to her and her family.
Moreover, I came from the army. I have been receiving an orthodox education for many years, and I despise the behavior of “raising a mistress” in society.
So even if I like you, but my conscience and intellectual intelligence do things that derail me.
In this way, not only will it hurt your family, it will eventually hurt you.
If in the end you get hurt, how much money is not recognized, I don’t want this to happen .
Listening quietly, she acknowledged that he was an excellent man, especially in such a materialistic society, he is a good man with affection, righteousness, morality and responsibility, and this is what moved herOne of the main reasons is that such a good man will be responsible to anyone and will not treat a woman who truly loves him.
Wei seemed to be unwilling to answer like this, took a deep breath and thoroughly spit out his heavy thoughts over the past few months.
She has been suppressed for so long, she can no longer live with such a heavy emotional self-deception.
After Cheng heard Wei ‘s heartfelt confession, the number of cigarettes in the ashtray on the table grew more and more, and a pack of cigarettes was almost exhausted. He took out one and sucked it in, Cheng stared earnestly at Wei, his eyes excited and warm,He told Wei: “I’m not telling you the truth. I’m also a man, a normal man, and I have normal desires. At the same time, I’ve been emotional.
But I can’t, I really can’t.
I can’t betray my own conscience. If I take such a step, my life will be restless.
Do you know that there are some things that have been lost for thousands of years, and no matter what method or how much money is used, it will not be saved.
Hope you understand me!
Cheng Wei ‘s confession is correct, and she can trim it from the bottom of her heart, because even if the tea room is cold and struck, Cheng ‘s face turns red because of excitement.
However, her mood did not relax easily, but suddenly, she felt that she had done a stupid thing, so she was rejected in the face of Cheng, and would Cheng despise her for this.
Wei stood up, she just wanted to leave here quickly.
She eagerly told Cheng that she was leaving, and she didn’t even look at her face, so she fled and left the tea room.
The sun outside was still blazing, but her heart was coldly raked.
Cheng wanted to send her, she immediately refused, she put down all her self-esteem and pride and got such an answer, and she couldn’t calm down for a while.
She hurried to the car and went directly to the house. She pushed open the door and fell there weakly. Her heart seemed to be emptied, she could not speak or think.
I didn’t know how long it took before she was struggling. It was almost dusk, but her head was dizzy.
The family was about to return. She went to the kitchen to prepare a pot of water, but when she picked up the thermos, she suddenly lost her hand and turned into a crisp loud noise. She couldn’t help but startled.
At the foot was a fragment of white flowers. She slowly crouched down, and tears fell on these fragments, just like her heart at this moment was also torn apart.
She cried while she was tearing, picking up the pieces of the ground one by one, and using it for a long time, it was clear that what she wanted to retrieve was her broken heart, and all this caused futility.
In each piece, she clearly saw pain in the bones.
After a sleepless night, she forced herself to the unit, and Cheng’s phone came. Zhongcheng tried to use a calm tone, and she seemed to see his uneasy heart.Speaking to her in pairs, the car crashed just after breaking up with her. This was the first time he drove a car in more than 20 years. When he reversed, he collided with a car that came forward and hit a large pit at the rear.
Wei used a ridiculous tone to tell him that he also hit a pot, which was considered a draw.
Fate, what kind of fate is this.
The Buddha said: “Only 500 times in the past life, I have passed in this life.”
Then they are destined to have no fate. The two of them are just a glimpse of the shock in the interlacing of dust and fate. It is just that moment, but it may be doomed to Wei’s lifelong pain.
Time still passed without delay, and both of them were trying to calm down and restore their former lives as if nothing had happened.
No more contact, only half of my heart asked .